21 Valentine's Days
If you would have told me in sixth grade that I would be sitting across from you while our youngest of three daughters waves to get my attention for another glass of milk, you know I would have said you were crazy... But here we are, working from home during COVID in the year 2021.
Valentine's Day is coming up, and I wanted to get you something. What do you get the girl who has everything? As I tried to think of something meaningful to get you, I looked back at the past, and I realized that I have been holding my breath in these twenty years of marriage. Most days, I fear it's going to end. So afraid to embrace the time we had. I have hidden away from you. I have lived in fear of you turning over in the morning and saying, "I'm done!" Having had enough of my selfishness, the way I snore, or my man-tantrums over something stupid falling from my mouth the night before. I couldn't blame you for waking and throwing the blankets aside, walking out the door, and going on to live your life. Each day, I have been surprised and relieved that you don't; And each day, I have had to catch my breath and wait again for the next morning. I have done it for far too long.
2020! Hindsight is everything
This last year has been one of the most challenging years for the whole world. We are not alone in that struggle. It has been difficult, challenging, painful, stressful, and filled with uneasy pitfalls. In the middle of it all, I fell ill. As you told nurse Melissa, "It's not fair! He's done so much to improve! He doesn't deserve this." I laid in a hospital bed thinking how unfair it was that you wouldn't have the person that I am becoming today. How unfair it was for you to live with someone who loves you so fucking madly but has always lived in fear of showing it.
What changed
While in the hospital, I read Erich Fromm's book "The Art of Loving," It was over my head at times, though I did understand what he was asking the reader to do. He suggested that I was to risk loving others without ever expecting it in return. You see, my entire life, I was afraid of loving others because I feared not receiving love. This behavior is self-fulfilling, and it never occurred to me that I would not receive love because I never expressed love. It's incredible how something so simple can change my entire approach to those around me. I resolved to leave that hospital and open my heart as much as I could each day. Where did I lack in love? How could I impress upon others and "show" more love? There is much more I can do.
I love you too
You have been a fantastic teacher (in more ways than one), friend, wife, and mother. Your diligence and perseverance in adversity is something to behold. Your ability to adapt and maneuver in just about any situation is admirable. Your care and attention to those around you can not be disputed, and for all those things, I am grateful to have been a recipient of your love. In the last twenty years, we have found our way through young love and matured as we found ourselves renewed and hopeful for one another. Our "outside journey" of building a family and our lives has turned to an "inside journey" of building stronger bonds and our love. This last year has been hard for all of us, but I am so grateful that it happened. The pandemic and my lung collapse forced us both to stop, take stock of what was important, and it felt like we became closer than ever because of it, and we fell back in love with each other once again, different but stronger. That reminds me... Do you know what Kintsugi (see link here) is?
The art of repair
There is an art to repairing broken things. There is an art form in Japan called Kintsugi, and I like the tradition and philosophy that is associated with it:
(金継ぎ, "golden joinery"), also known as kintsukuroi (金繕い, "golden repair"), is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.
Usually, the attempt to repair these items is made not because of the value the object has from a monetary point of view. The decision to mend an item is usually made on the importance it has for that person. The repair is made to add beauty to the piece and becomes part of that object's history. It not only repairs the item but hardens its story with a visible vein of gold. Ultimately, making the object more valuable in the process.
A relationship can be just like that. We break a little, we take time to repair (if we value it). We come back together better than before to celebrate all of its rich history. We then create new memories together (stronger than before) and still honor the old ones.
Happy 21 Valentine's Day in 2021
